Freedom.

A note of thanks in celebration of my 2 year sober anniversary.

1975. Back seat of my Mama’s car. That familiar viscerally revolting smell, coupled with the strangely aspirational vision of my hero, my queen, my mother, her elegantly veined hand out the window, cigarette perched between first and middle finger. Music, lightness, breeze. Freedom.

1985. My bathroom, my childhood home, standing on the closed toilet seat smoking into an exhaust vent two feet above my head, praying I’d go undetected, savouring the naughty victory. I’m exactly like her. I’m nothing like her. I’m nothing but her. Freedom.

1995. My Gramercy Park alcove studio. Rolling my own cigarettes, this time with marijuana, working too hard, playing too hard, doubting too hard, wondering if there was some layer I was missing, some alternate reality in which I wasn’t existing. Freedom.

2005. Sneaking a smoke out my window. New apartment, same battle. This time I was wondering if any of my students might catch a glimpse of me smoking and how that would go over. Knowing that this habit was a finite experience, and that someday I’d stop looking over my shoulder and start living my real life. Freedom.

2015. Mother of a 9 year old, I am one year sober, clean. Feeling the truth that the slavery is OVER and it’s time to find out who I can be. Time to fashion my days out of ease and simplicity. Time to create and enjoy a new threshold of prosperity. Freedom.

2016. October, two years sober. Late night laundry run in my building in New York, passing by an apartment door near the laundry room, the unmistakable smell of chain smoking wafts into the hall. The smell causes a cascade of visuals:  the orange carpet of my Grandma Belle’s apartment, my home away from home, candy dishes full of sugary pink wintergreen discs, M&Ms and cigarette butts. The dark of night, when my Mama and my Grandma would talk on the terrace, their laughter, their murmurings, their freedom. The sliding doors always slightly open so they could hear us, and through that opening, that same exact smell, so curious, steadily poisoning themselves. Freedom.

I knew it. Back then, in the 70s and 80s, I’d already registered that smoking meant closeness, family, shared secrets, and home. I struggled for so many years, sneaking around with myself, to learn that true freedom means freedom from that or any slavery; freedom means love, freedom means clear seeing, freedom means full healing. Freedom means waking up in the morning with a soft mind, a warm heart that magnetizes my boy to my mat. Freedom means knowing that he’s one step farther away from all that.

Thank you to all the forces for freedom in my life that have held my hand here. Thank you for the many years that I struggled, numbing my lungs and my body, thinking that was freedom.

Thank you for all the mornings I’ve woken up early, knowing and feeling myself as light; lightkeeper, lightseeker, lightworker, lighthouse.

And most importantly. Thank you to all who’ve asked for my help; you know who you are. Your daily presence feeds me and frees me.

 

Comments

  1. Beautiful Elena. I know that smell and sensation all too well. I would buy cigarettes like I was making a drug deal. Making sure no one saw me. Trying to smoke without being caught. I was in my 40s at the time. I had quit twice before. So afraid my kids would see them in my purse. 15 years ago I quit for the third time. They no longer own me.❤️

  2. So beautiful, so true, so real. Love you for sharing your truth and so happy you have come clean and light. What a freedom. Happy celebrations.

  3. May you uncover and receive more gifts of release and freedom on your journey. You’re an inspiration to so many, a bright light to many more, and a gift to all of us.

  4. Elena,

    Thank you for your honesty around your recovery. I’ve held you as a beacon of hope for my own recovery. I’m finally starting to feel it sinking in and feeling some slice of freedom. And, it is my deepest hope that this gives my daughter an alternative path than the one laid for her for by generations upon generations of my women.

    Congratulations on your two year anniversary. Congratulations on your freedom. Thank you for your honesty and your teaching.

    Love,
    Beth

  5. beautiful. love! amazing + brave. bold. courageous. vulnerable + strong. very proud of you. kim

  6. Hi Elena,
    I am so glad that you made it! You will see that every day, every year will be much easier now. It’s good to have people behind your back that are going to motivate you to keep your resolution.
    I hope that more people will read your story and it will encourage them to fight with addiction.

  7. I love this article. This is very well written. You have truly enriched me with some excellent knowledge.

  8. Great Post! Thank you!

  9. Gustavo Woltmann says:

    Such kind and beautiful words. Thanks for sharing your personal story. Gustavo Woltmann

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