Recently received some genius bodywork from Zach Dacuk. He offers subtle fascial pathway work that makes my skin light up as though I’ve just taken 1000mg of flush niacin. He and I were catching up on all kinds of recent events that are making us feel alive, from business expansions to the delicious community that frames and supports the work we both do. We were waxing poetic about how lucky we both are that we’re becoming the people we’ve always believed we could and should be, and are actually making a living from doing work we love. He recalled a phrase that I’d said in a class once, “Find the most authentic version of yourself, whatever you’re doing.”
Toward that end, about a year ago, after 15+ years of yoga, I was at an impasse, pitying myself and using all sorts of masks (drugs, anger, infidelity) to cover up my lack of faith in myself. A dear friend introduced me to Lauren Zander, co-founder of the Handel Group, who handed me the most extensive homework assignments of my life. After 7 months of writing (my biography, everything that still haunts me, and the “18 Areas of Life” evaluated), I’m doing the “unraveling,” which takes truth-telling to the next level.
The unraveling is actually the simple but time-consuming task of combing through all the writing and listing all the apologies, conversations and clearings for which I’m due. Through this slow but incredibly freeing process, I’m finding a level of bravery I’d never known. Making calls, writing letters, and opening up all the dark recesses of the past is letting more light into my being, literally and figuratively. And it seems like my students, family and friends can feel their own freedom through my classes and my reports.
Now I’ll mention some interesting and possibly disconcerting discoveries; feel free to repost and shout from the rooftops, with this I’ve officially nothing to hide. For so long I walked around blaming my sister for being the angry one (when it was me), blaming my staff for having poverty consciousness (also me), blaming my parents for not believing in themselves (yes, me), blaming my former husband, now close friend, for being disloyal (ME ME ME), and blaming friends for being either addicted or too pious (both me, depending on when). Each of these blaming episodes shapes my cells, and I was left feeling very stuck, deep in my being.
Through this process I am reminded several times a day that I must BELIEVE that I am indeed finding the most authentic version of myself, every second, no matter how daunting the conversation or context. Nothing is given to me that I cannot manage.
Perfect that for my 40th birthday this past October, months after meeting Lauren and delving into their process, she and her sisters gifted me a treasured Mary Margrill necklace; a phrase they’d specifically selected for me. Mary’s intent is to initiate authentic dialogue via her pieces; my birthday necklace reads “BELIEVE.”
Inspired by this talisman of truth, here’s my current mission statement, in several parts, with gratitude to the Handel process, to every teacher I’ve ever had.
BELIEVE in yourself. BELIEVE that you chose the right family, and the perfect parents for your mission. BELIEVE that all the people around you are your teachers, here to show you the way. BELIEVE that you’re able to handle everything that comes to you. BELIEVE that you will get an answer whenever you really ask. BELIEVE that you can have every conversation elegantly. BELIEVE that you are on the correct trajectory to your highest freedom every time you tell the truth.