Who’s Really Fighting?
When we argue or disagree in relationship, who’s fighting? Raised in a house where arguments were commonplace, as an adult I found myself defaulting to conflict in my relationships. Why was I fighting all the time, and who’d benefit from the dissonance? Somewhere beneath the surface I could feel a lingering resonance to which I couldn’t gain access. When my partner introduced me to Internal Family Systems, or IFS, the fighter in me lost power. I’m learning that our “fights” aren’t really ours. Parts of ourselves, trapped in time, hosting certain unprocessed emotions, are emerging. But it’s not even those parts that are arguing. Each part of ourselves, seen in this work as a little “exile” within us, has motivations, goals, memories, and perspectives. The four year old who saw too much will become good at hiding. The eight year old who was being abused emotionally will stay small in order to escape abuse. The ten year old who couldn’t be himself will become someone else again in order to blend in. These youngest parts hold the most pain from our past. These aspects need to be viewed with great compassion and curiosity in order to determine which behaviors are …
