The Last. For Mother’s Day.

I thought about the last time I hugged you today, just now.

You held joy. Your eyes sparkled like I hadn’t seen in some time,
even though we’d just discussed that you weren’t feeling well,
and I held your feet because I knew; I could feel it too.

Your hair looked really cute that day. Maybe I told you.

And the last time you walked down our hall,
you looked back at me, almost impishly,
told me loudly how you loved me.
Then, “Mimi loves Jonah!” like always, smiling.

Nothing, and everything.

I secretly wished you were fine,
and even waited some time to call again
so as not to seem overly concerned.

You were gone within three weeks.

Of course I wish I’d done more, or said more, but now
I get to write it and know you know the core of this,
even though I couldn’t express it then.

It’s a list of what I wish I’d done.

I wish I had invited you over a LOT more.
And cooked with you, and sat on my couch with you
and listened to the stillness.
I wish I’d asked you to come to the tiny little school things.
I wish I had come to visit and
I wish I’d been more present every time you’d asked me
to look through some box of my old stuff that you so
carefully saved.

I wish I would’ve been more patient.
I wish I hadn’t been so sensitive.
I wish I’d taken things less personally.
I wish I could tell you, clearly and softly,

I know you just LOVE ME.
And that’s why you were hard on me.
And that’s why you always called me.
And that’s why you just wanted to be near me.
And that’s why you even brought slippers to my house
to wear when you’d visit again – those striped little scandals.
I made so much fun then. But they’re mine now, and I’ve
decided to start wearing them.

13 thoughts on “The Last. For Mother’s Day.”

  1. I just realized this
    By sharing you heart so joyously with us,
    You help us all to open our hearts.
    I miss your practice
    But I hold you in my heart.

  2. wow. this is so honest, and so moving. thanks so much for sharing and for reminding us all to slow down and feel. happy mother’s day xx

  3. Ohhh.how I can relate…happy mother’s day elena.. hugging you and sending light your way…missing my mom on the 2nd mother’s day w/out her…

  4. So sweet, Elena. Tears for the love you share with your Mama. Isn’t it great that the LOVE always remains.

    Love to you this Mother’s Day!
    xo Lisa

  5. nancy nielsen

    oh. my goodness. this is beautiful. it is the same relationship I had with my mom. thank you for writing it out so beautifully. love always …..

  6. Elana,
    I close my eyes
    I feel my breath take that small calm down
    down to my seat and feet
    I feel that free flow of sweet gentleness
    I am where I need to be
    I am meant to be
    My mother is there
    I am there
    fully present
    where there is no time
    no space limitation

    Namaste

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